Monday, June 20, 2011

2011 Hurricane season--a different view.

A month or so ago, the hurricane geeks made their usual wishy-washy prediction for the upcoming hurricane season.

Seems we're going to have between twelve and eighteen big winds roaming around the Atlantic, with their eye on the Caribbean and the United States.

Traditionally, the hurricane geeks like to name these storms, and usually with weird names that mean absolutely nothing. You know, stuff like Hurricane Bob or Hurricane Helen. Last year, I think it was, we had Hurrican Igor and THAT was kinda cool, but for the most part, the names are bland.

One moronic elected idiot from Texas, Sheila Jackson Lee, complained several years ago that the hurricane names weren't "African-American enough."


Was she meaning we should name these big blows stuff like "Hurricane DeShawn Tyronius Ice-Block" or "LaTisha Pamaja Chantelle?"

That got me to thinking, and in doing so, I'm proposing my own names for these upcoming big blows. So for the 2011 Hurricane Season's 12 to 18 predicted storms, here is An Ordinary American's nomination for names.

1. Hurricane Arnold Scwarz. Much like the former California governor, this storm will accomplish little but have big fanfare while doing so. Years later, meteorologists will discover that Hurricane Arnold spawned several baby storms that their radars somehow missed.

2. Hurricane Kerry. This storm will be nicknamed "Swift Boat," and it will be notorious for a constant change of direction, all the while never going anywhere. It will be remembered for first heading towards the U.S. before not heading for the U.S.

3. Hurricane Charlie. This will be the doofus part of an unusual hurricane actually made up of two and a half storms. It will show great promise, get lots of media coverage and have worldwide viewers tracking its erratic and sometimes erotic movements. Unfortunately, it will have a complete meltdown and blow itself out into obscurity.

4. Hurricane Monica. Talk about getting blown. Cigar sales will skyrocket during this storm.

5. Hurricane Biden. Undoubtedly the dumbest storm of the season, nonetheless, it will be described as a "big f***ing deal." Fortunately, it will have no direction on its own.

6. Hurricane Sarah. This will be the storm the media tries to destroy, but to no avail. CBS, CNN, ABC, MSNBC and other lamestream media headquarters will evacuate all personnel with the approach of Sarah. Forecasters predict this storm will take aim at Washington DC and flush it more thoroughly than a Fleet Enema kit from CVS. After DC, Sarah will move up the east coast, flinging liberals into the sea never to be seen again.

7. Hurricane Weiner. This will be the most Tweeted storm in history with winds strong enough to blow the panty hose and bras right off every cross-dresser in the U.S. Monuments will be erected in memory of this storm.

8. Hurricane Pelosi. This hurricane will give frightening new meaning to the favorite phrase of all weathermen when they warn us, "Folks, this one is going to be real ugly."

9. Hurricane W. This storm will never make landfall and never come close to the U.S. However, for decades to come, every natural weather disaster in the entire northern hemisphere will be blamed on Hurricane W.

10. Hurricane Mexico. This hurricane will be basically too lazy to even form up into a tropical blow, but somehow will still invade the shores of Texas and cost gazillions of dollars in damage and expense. Worse yet, this storm may never end.

11. Hurricane Mitt. Who the hell knows WHERE this storm will go or end up? A forecaster's worst nightmare.

12. Hurricane Rahm. A hurricane that will violate all laws of nature and ravage Chicago, even though by (natural) law, hurricanes can never reside in Chicago even though it's known as the Windy City. Fatalities will be greatly exaggerated due to cemeteries being a primary focus of Hurricane Rahm. FEMA aid and response will never have happened so fast with any other disaster as it will be with Hurricane Rahm.

13. Hurricane Obama. This storm will originate in the drylands of Kenya, and rather than moving west, will hop over the continent and head towards Hawaii. From Hawaii, it will simply disappear for an undetermined period of time, suddenly reappearing in the Caribbean where it will appear to threaten Cuba and Guantanamo Bay. Gitmo will be completely spared as the storm sets a new course at the Southern United States where the cost and damage will be in the mega-zabillions of dollars. The quote of the decade will be from Gulf coast forecasters who continue to say, "Folks, we have to hope this thing is going to change its course." The U.S. may not survive this storm.

So there you have it. My thirteen predictions for the upcoming 2011 Hurricane Season.

Time to sit back and glue myself to the big screen TV now.

1 comment:

kx59 said...

great post! you make me raugh!