It's spring break here in Texas, and a lot of folks are taking to the airways in the sky to vacation overseas. Not me. Military and government broke me of any lingering desires to venture abroad. But for those of you who still seek to explore the world, read on. Maybe I can save you a lot grief.
A friend of mine recently came back from taking his family overseas on vacation. They went somewhere in Europe. He told me that the only place his kids wanted to eat was McDonalds.
With a McDonalds on every street corner here in America, why go to Brussels for a Big Mac?
The more I thought about that, the more I wondered why anyone would want to venture overseas for vacation. So I pulled out my old college atlas and began looking around the globe trying to see if there was any place foreign to America that would interest me during these times.
Mexico? Forget it. Drink anything that doesn’t come out of a bottle there and Senor Montezuma will find his way into your intestinal tract and the rest of your vacation is then spent running from one outhouse to another. Indoor plumbing can be rare in Mexico and is often reserved only for drug cartel chieftains and Mexican federales, which often times can be one and the same.
Speaking of bottles in Mexico, you have to be very careful even then. Mexican tequila comes in a bottle, and their tequila has little worms in the bottom. The worms are dead, and that should tell you something right there. They probably died of Montezuma’s Revenge.
Even more disturbing is the fact that our Texas Department of Public Safety has officially warned Texas citizens that it is not safe, nor recommended that you travel to Mexico. The drug cartels are killing people faster than the Super Computers can count.
But why travel to Mexico? Just travel to any mid to large size city, journey to the underbelly where the illegal aliens huddle together, and there you'll have a firsthand look at what our deadbeat neighbor to the south has to offer.
You won't need a passport to do this, but you might need police protection.
Traveling to South America is risky as well, and for a couple of reasons. One is that they do the Tango in parts of South America and if you’re not in Olympic-class physical shape before attempting to dance the Tango, you could spend all of your vacation cash reserves at the local chiropractor’s office. Secondly, a drug cartel might swap the powdered creamer for your coffee with something a little more lively. You’ll be able to do a great Tango, but it will be in a Columbian prison.
If you happened to have voted for Obama, stop by Venezuela and check things out. Then stay there.
If it's danger you're trying to avoid, then that will also rule out vacationing anywhere in the Middle East. Car bombs and suicide bombers notwithstanding, it’s also hard to find a place where you can knock back the dust of the desert with a cold beer. And if you pick up some goat-kabobs as a snack for you and the kids and accidentally shortchange the vendor, it could cost you an arm. Literally.
So moving right along to Europe, let’s say you want to see some ancient ruins. Check out downtown Detroit instead. If experiencing the Autobahn is more to your liking, rent a Dodge Viper and head to North Carolina, then get on Interstate 95 north and fly all the way into Washington D.C. That German highway can’t hold a candle to some of our very own interstates when it comes to insane drivers.
Looking for smelly and crowded subways like those found in Moscow, London and Paris? You can find those in New York City and you don’t even need a passport.
Maybe you were thinking of taking a trip down under. Forget it. My wife and I used to watch the Crocodile Hunter all the time and it seems like everything that can kill you a hundred times over is found in Australia. They have giant crocodiles in every stretch of water and man-eating sharks that cruise up and down the beaches. If that weren’t enough, they have snakes that can kill you just by reputation alone and huge, ugly spiders that kill you and then eat you. What kind of vacation is that?
China? You can have that too. I saw a Richard Gere movie where he got in deep doo-doo for something he supposedly said or did there. Besides, if you want to visit a communist state, there’s always California.
On second thought, you might find a little more freedom and better cost of living in China.
Basically, the only reason that is left to venture overseas would be for the food, and that problem is easily solved as well. Right here in America we have every ethnic and cultural style of food imaginable and you don’t have to get to the restaurant by airliner. Plus, you can drink the water without having to worry about doing the Tango on the way to a Mexican drug cartel chieftain's personal outhouse.
Vacationing overseas? You can have it. But if you insist, just remember to make sure all your insurance policies are up to date and in good order.
And don’t forget to pack lots of extra toilet paper.