OK, so either the women in Iowa are more than a little homely or this one certain individual who is the focus of this story is so ugly that he couldn't get laid in a whorehouse.
So that means this masked man who robbed a sex-toys store of a $250 sex doll, known as the "F**k Me Silly Mega Masturbator" model must be more than hard up.
He must be desperate.
Or, perhaps, he's a fan of Bill Clinton's former Surgeon General, Jocelyn "Let's teach the kids how to masturbate" Elders. If we knew this clown's age (the sex doll robber, not the former Surgeon General), it might shed a clue as to whether or not he was influenced by Ms. Elders, who some say was Bill Clinton's right hand on certain matters.
According to the police, the desperate robber walked into the Romantix Pleasure Palace around 3 a.m. on January 12 and, standing erect at the counter, whipped out his. . . knife and wagged it in the clerk's face.
He then took his love doll, described the manufacturer as "the best piece of blank that you'll ever blank in your entire blanking life" and hauled blank out of the Pleasure Palace.
(There are some more colorful, leave-little-to-the-imagination descriptions in the actual story, but I can't type them here without blushing something horrible.)
Police in Iowa City are asking for your help to apprehand, er, sorry, appreHEND this dangerous pervert. The crime fund is even offering a cool thousand bucks for information leading up to the man's arrest.
Now I'm kind of wondering about a few things, such as--
1. Is crime so non-existent in Iowa City that police can utilize their vast resources to have citizens chase down a masturbation-happy petting, er PETTY thief? Are their no drug dealers or robbers or burglars or auto thieves in Iowa City?
2. Judging from the picture, this meat-beater weighs a lot more than the police's estimate of 165 lbs. That might be a good place for the fearless Iowa City pervert patrol to start. This perv has some pretty good pudge going on.
3. I'm assuming prostitution is frowned upon in Iowa City, but what if the Romantix Pleasure Palace were to "rent" these sex dolls and give patrons their own private little room in the back of the sex shop. Would that still be considered prostitution?
4. If/when this guy is finally caught, will he be charged with A) Aggravated Robbery, B) Kidnapping or C) a sex crime?
And if convicted, will he have to register as a sex offender? Inquiring minds want to know.
So far, though, this is about all we know about this story. We'll bring you more as things come up.
No word on whether or not the sex shop wants their kidnapped love doll back.