Suing your way to prosperity

I have finally found a way to completely quit working and at the same time, become incredibly rich.

I’m going to sue my way to untold wealth.

Thankfully I live in America where we have more lawyers than the rain forest has bloodsucking parasites, which if you think about it, is exactly what most trial lawyers are. Therefore, I reason, if I’m patient and can learn to become a professional victim, I should be rolling in cash in no time.

When the lawsuit was announced that a group of overweight human cardiac time-bombs filed suit against the fast-food industry, I refrained from slapping my forehead in disgust for not being two-hundred pounds overweight and on the waiting list for a sextuple double-secret probation arterial bypass.

Instead, I sat down and did some serious thinking about other everyday things I do that I can sue somebody for. Provided my potential lawyers can find enough stupid jurors, which the tobacco lawsuits have proven is easy enough to do, the following lawsuits should have me on the road to riches in no time.

--Ordinary American v IBM. This one should be a lead-pipe cinch. Most of my computer experience has been on Apple machines, but recently I had to learn to use the PC type computers that IBM created. The learning curve has been giving me migraines, compounded by bouts of diarrhea, thanks to Windows. As a result, my Tylenol and toilet-paper bills have been skyrocketing. By God, IBM is going to pay for that. Bill Gates, you're next.

--Ordinary American v the National Football League. I love football and like to grill or smoke some barbecue on Sunday mornings before the game. I can’t watch football without some barbecue and the Health Police keep telling me that all that red meat is going to kill me. Because I’m addicted to professional football and there are no such warnings about possible long-term addiction broadcast before each game, somebody’s going to pay for that. When I win this one, I’ll be richer than Peyton Manning.

--Ordinary American v Sea Ray. Our beloved boat is a Sea Ray and boats work best in water. You can drown in water, so there’s one potential risk. The other is that the best days to go on the water are days in which it is sunny. Sun can slowly kill you, same as cigarettes and red meat. Nobody at Sea Ray or any other boat manufacturer has ever advised me to “boat in moderation,” so I’m going to sue them for a quick billion to teach them a lesson.

--Ordinary American v Direct TV. Our satellite TV service gives us umpteen hundred channels to watch, yet sometimes there is still nothing worth watching on the tube. When there is nothing on the tube, I have to take the boat out for some enjoyment. This is a double-whammy (see Ordinary American v Sea Ray). If my potential lawyers and I can imply that boat manufacturers have conspired with cable-service providers and get twelve idiots to agree, it’s Easy Street USA for me.

--Ordinary American v Coca-Cola and Pepsi (joint lawsuit). I’m a victim of the Cola Wars, hopelessly addicted to Coca-Cola Classic and Mountain Dew’s new Code Red. Too much of either keeps me awake at night where there is nothing to watch on TV and it’s too late to take the boat out. They also often give me gas, which in and of itself can cause pain and suffering, not to mention a high degree of embarrassment when you let one slip in church during the childrens service. Compensatory damages may be slim, but punitive damages have the potential to be staggering.

I figure that any one of these potential lawsuits can go platinum. With the publicity I receive, I’ll cut a few book deals and then negotiate with the networks and their movie moguls to tell my life’s story. All I need now is a team of lawyers to make it all happen.

One word of caution to whichever firm decides to represent me in these lawsuits. If I lose, I’ll be suing you for every last dime you’re worth.